Sensitive Support

An excerpt from The New York Times Magazine...

Her Body, My Baby
by Alex Kuczynski

I wish I could say that everyone’s reaction to Max’s birth was as generous. Most people were overjoyed for us. But extraordinary circumstances, I discovered, bring out extraordinary reactions in some people. I least expected jealousy. This from women who looked at me with tight smiles and said, “Well, thank God you didn’t have to give birth to that huge child!” Or, glumly: “You’re so lucky. Pregnancy is overrated.” One announced to a table of people at a dinner party: “My God, Alex. You’ve really gotten away with some stuff in your life. But this takes the cake!” It was as if I had performed some slimy trick and was still able to have my ticket stamped “Mother.” Not only Mother, but Biological Mother.

Did these women have such terrible pregnancies? Did they all resent their big babies? Was not birthing a baby but still having a biological child really “taking the cake”? If so, the birth of Max revealed the ambivalence some women feel about pregnancy. It is a burden. It is scary. Melissa Brisman, our lawyer, told me that occasionally she gets an inquiry from a high-profile model or an actress who is curious about the surrogacy process, she assumes, not for reasons of infertility but for convenience. But once they learn of the physical, emotional and legal intricacies, they always — without exception — decide to bear their own children.

Read the whole article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/30/magazine/30Surrogate-t.html?_r=1

An in-law of mine who will remain unnamed thought it would be cute if my husband and I wore basketball hoops with basketballs in them around our waists at our baby shower, so that we would "know what pregnancy was like." After everything he and I have been through, it was a very insensitive comment. Thinking that our struggle was something to make fun of reflects her complete lack of insight into how painful it is not to be able to have a baby the usual way.

Back when things weren't going so well for me and my husband, I attached this article to an email update to our friends.

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

I hope you find it helpful in supporting any friends or family dealing with with infertility. It's more common than you may be aware of.